- WHAT IF -
I am upset and in a foul mood today. I had a 20 second long cry at work (and a longer one yesterday) and I still feel sucky. I know it is not the pressure of work (I can usually handle that quite well) but because of what happened yesterday.
I don't know why would people fight over wha-ifs. Like yesterday, both me and Kenny was supposed to be happy because we watched a horror movie, and went out. It was supposed to be a happy thing but why did the England issue come out?
He cannot make up his mind whether or not to actually go to England to work and he knows that if he goes, he won't come back in 2 years. 2 years is not a short time so any time longer than 2 years would mean enternity and I should wait for him in Singapore?
He does not want me to wait so we should break up then? After 3, 4 or 5 years, how can he bear to give up what we have. Now it is only 1 year plus, so if I know that it will happen anyway, why hold on?
He is selfish. He wants to take the easy way out. He wants me till he leaves but that wastes my youth. I thought of a optimistic way out and I say I am willing to go with him when the time comes (maybe get married first and work there, I don't believe I can't get a job there, given my credentials, gotta work hard!!) But guess what he says, he don't want me to follow!
I sense danger. I can feel myself slipping into self denial. Why do I always do that in all my relationships (slap me in the head someone!!) The obvious way out of course is to move on and let this guy move on too because he knows what he wants. Why do I stay and believe that he might not go?
Because he says so, He said he is confused and even if he wanted to go, he might not get the work visa. And the main reason is because I love him. I am often in love with the feeling of being in love but this time, it is because I have been with him for more than a year and it is difficult to let go (especially when I have been so faithful to him)
I am confused too but I know I cannot let go unless he lets go too. I will have to help myself then and hope that he will get out of his gloomy mood.
He is a pessimist and I am the exact opposite. I believe this is what people mean when they say OPOOSITES ATTRACT.
I am happy when I am with him and I feel that this is more important than anything. I hope that our differences will be sorted out soon. I know we will because he just messaged me to say that he will try his best. We shall work things out, I guess.
I must be positive. Cheers.
